.SBV Transcript[]
0:00:01.100,0:00:03.500 Nikki: Now's our chance, Neil! Go long! 0:00:04.100,0:00:04.600 Snake: [grunt] 0:00:10.900,0:00:11.300 [air horn] 0:00:11.300,0:00:13.000 Quartermaster: Camp Campbell wins. 0:00:13.000,0:00:13.900 David: Yay! 0:00:13.000,0:00:13.900 Nikki: YES! 0:00:15.400,0:00:20.500 Pikeman: Curses! Foiled again! Our plan to use Africanized honey bees was supposed to be foolproof! 0:00:20.700,0:00:22.500 Space Kid: [giggles] My suit tickles! 0:00:22.500,0:00:25.100 Max: In your zit-covered face, Pikeman! 0:00:25.300,0:00:30.600 Pikeman: You incredulous pest! I will not rest until you all answer to the Wood Scouts! 0:00:30.600,0:00:32.600 Nikki: Never gonna happen, losers! 0:00:32.600,0:00:35.500 David: Guys, guys, can't we all just be nice to one another? 0:00:35.500,0:00:43.600 Pikeman: Camp Campbell campers being nice? Impossible! The only things you classless simpletons understand are mean-spirited sarcasm and snide remarks. 0:00:43.600,0:00:45.700 Max: I'll give you a snide remark... 0:00:45.800,0:00:48.300 David: Now hold on just a minute. We can be nice! 0:00:48.500,0:00:51.300 Pikeman: Please. Your lot couldn't be nice even if they tried. 0:00:51.300,0:00:54.100 David: Oh, really? You wanna bet? 0:00:54.100,0:00:57.400 Pikeman: As a matter of fact, I do. 0:00:57.400,0:00:58.700 Gwen: David, don't. 0:00:58.700,0:01:07.100 Pikeman: I bet you that Camp Campbell can't go 24 hours without being mean. If you lose, then you surrender your camp and campers to the Wood Scouts. 0:01:07.100,0:01:10.500 Max: God damn, why is everything always for the fate of the camp? We just played frisbee for the fate of the camp! 0:01:12.700,0:01:17.400 Pikeman: Fine, fine. If you lose, we'll simply take your BEST camper. 0:01:17.400,0:01:18.500 David: And if we win? 0:01:18.500,0:01:20.300 Pikeman: We WON'T take your best camper. 0:01:20.300,0:01:20.900 David: Deal! 0:01:20.900,0:01:22.100 Max, Nikki, Neil and Gwen: [pained groan] 0:01:22.100,0:01:23.300 Max: David, you idi- 0:01:23.400,0:01:26.100 Pikeman: Uh-uh! Play nice, remember? 0:01:26.100,0:01:27.700 Max: [grumbles] 0:01:27.700,0:01:35.400 Pikeman: Petrol! We're falling back to base. Remain here to observe the campers, and blow this whistle if you witness any...poor behaviour. 0:01:35.700,0:01:35.900 Petrol: [grunts] 0:01:36.200,0:01:44.000 Pikeman: Come, Snake! We've got an extra bunk to prepare for our new recruit. [maniacal laugh] 0:01:44.000,0:01:54.800 Gwen: Well, great, David! Thanks to you and this stuuuu....pendous wager, we definitely WON'T look like idiots when we DON'T fuck this whole thing up! 0:01:54.800,0:01:58.900 David: Oh, come on, gang! We just have to be nice to everyone for one day! 0:01:58.900,0:01:59.800 [bus horn] 0:01:59.800,0:02:01.000 David: [screams] 0:02:01.800,0:02:03.000 Quartermaster: New kid's here. 0:02:03.800,0:02:04.800 David: New...kid? 0:02:06.400,0:02:11.700 Jermy: Hey, everybody! My name is Jermy Fartz. 0:02:12.800,0:02:13.400 Max: ......Oh. 0:02:14.400,0:02:53.200 [Camp Camp Theme Song Song] 0:02:57.200,0:02:58.400 Dolph: [giggles] 0:02:58.400,0:03:02.400 Max: So, let me get this straight: Your name is Jeremy Fartz? 0:03:02.700,0:03:11.700 Jermy: I wish. It's actually JERMY Fartz. It's a family name. But both of my friends call me Big Nips. 0:03:11.700,0:03:13.900 Neil: Why do they call you Big Nips? 0:03:14.100,0:03:16.100 Jermy: Oh! Well, you see.... 0:03:16.100,0:03:17.800 [horrified screaming] 0:03:17.800,0:03:27.200 Jermy: Yeah, apparently it's a rare condition, and the ointment I have to use to stave off the chafing smells like old beef jerky on a hot day, but I don't know.... 0:03:27.200,0:03:35.400 Max: OK, seriously, what is this kid's deal? He HAS to be a plant, right? There's no way we can do this! Agh... I don't wanna be taken by the Wood Scouts. 0:03:35.400,0:03:42.900 Neil: You? Why would they take you, Max? If anything, you're the most liable to ruin this whole thing for everyone. I'm obviously the best camper here. 0:03:43.000,0:03:50.200 Nikki: Come on, Neil! I'm the most rambunctious and lovable! I'M the best! [scatting] 0:03:50.200,0:03:54.800 Space Kid: Now, hold on, guys. I think we all know who best camper is around here. 0:03:54.800,0:03:56.500 [beat] 0:03:56.500,0:03:58.400 Space Kid: Heh. Yeah, fair enough... 0:03:59.300,0:04:03.900 David: Now kids, let's not spend time arguing over who's the best. You're all the best! 0:04:03.900,0:04:05.200 Neil: Literally impossible. 0:04:05.200,0:04:08.900 David: Now why don't we all put this silly bet behind us and focus on welcoming Jermy to- 0:04:08.900,0:04:10.100 Jermy: Fartz! 0:04:10.100,0:04:14.600 David: ....Jermy...Fartz to Camp Campbell! Who's up for a nature hike! 0:04:14.400,0:04:14.600 [paper rustle] 0:04:15.400,0:04:16.300 David: What's this? 0:04:16.500,0:04:27.000 Jermy: I hate to be a Deborah Downer but this letter from my mom, Mrs Fartz, says I can't go on any hikes due to my - *farts* IBS. 0:04:27.000,0:04:29.000 Max: Jesus Christ... 0:04:29.300,0:04:44.900 Neil: OK guys, I'm drawing the line here. Back where I'm from, I used to be the loser kid that everyone laughed at. And you know what? It sucked! I say we give this guy an honest shot. So! Jermy! Uh, what kinda stuff did you get up back home? 0:04:45.100,0:04:49.600 Jermy: Well, on weekends, I would practice kissing with my dog, Chuckles. 0:04:50.100,0:04:50.900 Neil: Oh.... 0:04:50.900,0:04:58.600 Jermy: Yeah, it's harder than you'd think, he never seemed super into me, so I had to slather peanut butter all over my gums. 0:04:58.900,0:05:01.400 Neil: I'm going to wash this hand... 0:05:02.100,0:05:05.900 Jermy: It was chunky, by the way. The peanut butter. 0:05:05.900,0:05:10.200 Gwen: EMERGENCY HUDDLE! I am extremely disappointed in you kids. 0:05:10.300,0:05:12.000 Nikki: What did WE do? 0:05:12.000,0:05:24.200 Gwen: Guys, Jermy is clearly a young boy with "special needs." I just don't think he's all there. Now, making fun of each other is all well and good, but this- This just is not good. Jermy: Actually... Everyone: [yelps] Jermy: ...and I get this a lot: My numerous doctors have assured me that I am completely on-track developmentally. I'm just another one of the guys, so let me have it! Gwen: Kid, I am trying, but you've GOTTA work with me here! Jermy: Sorry. [farts] Max: Christ, what is WRONG with this fuc- Nikki: MAX! The walls have ears! [dramatic stinger] Gwen: Let's go outside.... Alright, kids. Since today is going to be a bit.... Jermy: [nasally heavy breathing] Gwen: ....stressful, I have decided that our morning activity will consist of yoga exercise and deep meditation. Max: Yeah, but I know the ins and outs of this place. That's what makes me the best. Neil: Why don't we ask someone else? Nikki: Nerris, if you had to pick, who would you say is the best camper here? Nerris: You mean like out of the three of you, or overall? Because it's clearly not any of you three. Neil: What? Come on. Nerris: It's painfully obvious. I don't remember if you guys ever found the gold dragon's stone-filled gizzard to add to a mixture of Tarrasque blood and 12-headed Hydra bile to cast Carcus' Avatar. Because I did. Max: Sorry, Nerris, I don't speak the language of dwee- [dramatic chord] Max: I mean- While I do not agree with your assessment, I recognise your right to have an opinion. Gwen: Now, the best part about these activities is that they require NO TALKING. Whatsoever. At all. So without- Jermy: Ms Gwen? Gwen: [sighs] Yes, Jermy? Jermy: I'm gonna need a new pair of yogurt pants. Gwen: Don't you mean yoga pants? Jermy: [wet-sounding fart] Uhhhh, not anymore. Preston: [melodramatic faint noise] Nikki: [cracks up] Max: Come ON, kid! Are you- [dramatic chord!] Max: Uhh, are you...OK? Need any....help with those? Jermy: Oh no, I got it. [splat!] Oh, no, not agaaaain! Max: OK, he got here at 9AM. What time is it now? Neil: 9:12. Max: [groan] It's gonna be a long day! [musical montage] Max: I can't do this! I can't fucking do this! Neil: Hang in there, Max, the day's almost over... Max: He roasted Space Kid with his FARTS! Did you not see that?! Preston: A-HEM! The time has come for the final activity of the day! A stunning performance piece, slash improvisational fusion! Now I'll need a suggestion from the audience. Somebody shout out a theme! David: Ooh! Ooh! The forest! Preston: Hooo, boy, that is REALLY- [dramatic chord!] Preston: ACCEPTABLE! Under these conditions. So I will WORK with it! Everyone search inward for the part of the forest that calls most to you. Once you've found it, you will design a costume, and give a brief performance on its behalf! NOW GET TO IT! Please. [splat] Nikki: Done! Jermy: I sure hope my nervous vomiting doesn't kick in.... Max: He can't be real! Oh God, I'm gonna crack and live the rest of my life as a Wood Scout! Nurf: Actually, we've been talking about this. Cuz yeah, we exist. And we decided that I am the best camper. Ered: Hold up. I thought we agreed that I was the best camper. I'm the COOLEST. Harrison: But I'm the most magical! Nerris: No, I'M the most magical! Dolph: Yet I'm the most adorable! Preston: And I'M the only one who seems to be taking this theater performance SERIOUSLY! Jermy: Hey guys! I finished my costume! Guess what I am! Space Kid: Uhh... A bundle of sticks? [crack!] Max: FFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- Neil: HE'S GONNA BREAK! David: OK, who's our first performer? Jermy: Guess it's my time to shine. [stick clatters to the floor] Jermy: Aw, beans. [ripping noise] Max: OH GOD, HE'S B- Jermy: Ladies and gentlemen, for my performance, I chose to represent the sticks of the pine tree. David: [laughing hysterically] Pine?! That's clearly birch! BIRCH, you big dummy! [laughs before stopping abruptly] Oopsie. [whistle blows] David: No! Wait! I didn't mean it! I'm the nice one! [helicopter noise] Pikeman: Well, well, well, you finally blew it. Good job, Petrol! And YOU lost! Max: I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU, YOU STUPID MORON! SUCK A DICK! Oh, GOD, that feels better. Pikeman: Now, as per our agreement, the Wood Scouts will take Camp Campbell's best camper. Now, who's it gonna be...? Nerris: [whimpers] Dolph: [whimpers] Nurf: [nervous grunt] Neil: No, not Jermy Fartz! Jermy: Me? Max: Yeah, Neil, what are you talkin' about? Jermy's the wor- [punch] Max: Uh, y- Yeah, anyone but Jermy Fartz! Nikki: Yeah, don't take Jermy! Space Kid: HE'S MY BEST FRIEND! Dolph: He's radiant unt marvellous! Pikeman: [devious cackle] Well, it seems like the choice is obvious. Very well then! You're coming with us. Jermy: You don't want me. I'm the worst. Pikeman: And so modest too. We'll see how Camp Campbell survives without Jermy Fartz! [maniacal laugh] David: [content noise] Gwen: Way to go, idiot! Max: We really dodged a bullet there. Neil: What the hell were you thinking? Nikki: Yeah, David, that wasn't very nice. David: Look, guys.... [nervous laugh] When there are people who are difficult to... It's just that, sometimes, the nicest thing to do is.... I, uh.... Sometimes... Just- sometimes, OK? Sometimes! [beat] Nikki: Oh, I get it! He was a fa-