This is 17 against your AC for *tiny gasp* 20 points of damage! GET REKT, MR. WAFFLES!
Max: Hey, Nerris!
Nerris: Who there approaches the dwelling of Nerris the-
Max: Cut the act, we need some dice.
Nerris: Do not speak to the lady of this castle in such a way. Begone!
Max: Man, how are we gonna run our underground craps ring without dice?
Nikki: Heeey! You said we were gonna play Monopoly!
Neil: Haven't you ever watched Game of Thrones? You're doing this all wrong. Fair Lady Nerris, the Cute! Sorceress of the Camp of Campbell! Please, we seek an audience to ask a favor of you.
Nerris: The good lady is listening.
Max: Really? You couldn't just be a science nerd? What, were you not getting bullied enough?
Nikki: Even I want to give you a wedgie right now, Neil.
Neil: All we require are some of the good lady's dice, which we will return once our quest is complete.
Harrison: Why not ask me for some dice?
Nerris: It's because they don't need you, Harrison. They want my enchanted dice.
Max: Actually we'll take whatever we can get. Preferably, we wouldn't be talking to either of you.
Harrison: You can have some dice, or some rice, or some mice, or some lice, or so-
Max: We'll just take the dice, thanks.
Harrison: Okay! Oh, wait. Ugh, I had this working earlier. COME ON, YOU STUPID DICE! *stomps* Oh no, my anger has manifested!
Neil: Get to a doorframe!
Nikki: Woo! Do it again!
Gwen: Is everyone alright?! Check for your earthquake buddy!
Max: The hell was that?
Gwen: I believe it was volcanic activity from Sleepy Peak Peak. It's an old volcano that used to be pretty active, back when it was called Wide-Awake Peak.
Max: God this place sucks at naming things.
Nikki: How do you know so much about it, Gwen?
Neil: Yeah? I thought you had a *snicker* liberal arts degree.
Gwen: *regretful sigh* Associate's degree.
Max: Oh, that is so tragic.
Quartermaster: The dark forces have awoken within the mountain.
Nerris: Dark forces?
Quartermaster: It is time to rebalance the magic sealing the evil.
Neil: What are you talking about? It's just an active volcano.
Gwen: Not this again. Look, Quartermaster, there is no prophecy.
Quartermaster: The Prophecy decrees that one with a magical spirit will quell the evil sleeping within the volcano after they finish the quest of destiny.
- *door kick*
Nerris: Did you say quests?! I love quests!
Harrison: Maybe I'm the magic spirit of destiny.
Nerris: *scoffs* Your destiny is performing magic tricks in the streets of Las Vegas, Harrison. I'm clearly the one destined to fight off the dark forces.
Nikki: Guess there's only one way to find out. Let's get questing!
Harrison: Let's do it.
Neil: I've always wanted to see a volcano up close.
Nerris: What do you say, heroes? Let's save the world!
Harrison: You coming too, Max?
Max: Still got those dice?
- [ Camp Camp Song Song ]
Nerris: Now, since we are questing, we need to assign a class to each party member.
Nikki: Ooh! Ooh! I want to be the warrior! *war cry*
Harrison: I will be the mage!
Nerris: Don't be silly, Harrison, I'm the mage. I have a plus eight proficiency bonus in spell casting you can't possibly hope to keep up with. You could be the dwarf. Because they're dumb and ugly, just like your face.
Harrison: Oh, yeah, that one hurt. But my mom says I'll grow into my looks.
Nerris: And that will make Neil our alchemist!
Neil: An alchemist!? The crazy mavericks who laid the foundation of our very understanding of science? That... sounds pretty cool actually.
Nerris: Then our party is set! All we have to now is get to that mountain!
Neil: Woah! We better hurry!
Nikki: Right! Let's get a move on!
Nerris: Wait! This is the beginning of the Forbidden Sacred Secret Dark Elven woods.
Neil: That's a lot of adjectives.
Nerris: Let me just do a quick arcana check. Oh, there's definitely some arcana around here.
Harrison: You're probably just picking up me.
Nikki: What was that?
- *twitch twitch*
Nerris: My elf ears can sense a dark presence approaching. Neil, get your potions ready!
Neil: Oh, man. You are really putting me on the spot here!
Nikki: Come at me, giant beast! Rawr!
Neil: It's just a squirrel?
Nerris: No... It's the Secret Scared Dark Elves!
Harrison: Hail and well-met, squirrels!
Nikki: It's okay guys, I'll talk to them. Squeak, chip-chip, squeak. Well that all worked out!
Nerris: Use Harrison as a dwarven shield!
Neil: Oh God! It's chirping menacingly at me!
Nerris: I'll save you, Neil! I cast... MAGIC MISSILE!
Nerris: Anyone else want a twenty-sided ass kicking?
Neil: Wow Nerris, that was actually pretty cool!
Harrison: Big deal, so you threw a bunch of dice at some animals. Kind of a dick move to be honest.
Nerris: We should get moving. They'll be back, and in greater numbers.
Nikki: The quest continues!
Nerris: We should take shelter in these mines.
Harrison: I don't want to go in there. It's dark and scary!
Neil: Uhh, yeah, I'm not sure we want to be in there when this volcano erupts.
Nerris: It's not going to erupt because I'M going stop it!
Nerris: This is a level 1 cave at best. There aren't even any fire-breathing dragons or even a dang-old goblin!
Neil: Am I the only one perturbed by the copious amount of dead canaries?
Nikki: The heroes who have fallen before us. Don't worry, your sacrifices will not be in vain!
Harrison: How are we supposed to reach the top of the mountains from in here?
Harrison: Oh. Well, I guess that will work.
Neil: It fucking better!
Nikki: I don't think that's good.
Neil: It's not working!
Nerris: I can't use a levitation charm! I need a long rest to restore my spell slot!
Harrison: I'll handle this! I saw this on TV. LEVITATE!
Nikki: Woo! Yeah! That was so cool, Harrison!
Nerris: Yeah... Whatever!
Nerris: By Merlin's beard!
Neil: Woah! Okay, well, saw the volcano! Think it's time we head back!
Harrison: No! I must stop the dark forces within the mountain!
Nerris: You mean, I must stop the dark forces within the mountain!
Nikki: Come to think of it, I don't see any dark forces. What are we supposed to do?
Nerris: Let me try something. *magical language* DARK FORCES BEGONE!
Nikki: Did something... happen?
Neil: Uhh... guys!? I think I'm blind!
Nerris: Blindness? I was trying to cast a spell of kindness. Oh! I see!
Harrison: Oh, Nerris. That attempt was adorable as it was useless. Guess it's my turn! Stand back and prepare to be dazzled!
Neil: Seriously, this could affect the rest of my life!
Nerris: What are you gonna do, Harrison? Pull a rabbit out of the volcano?
Harrison: I'm going to make the volcano... disappear! It's a little bigger than what I'm used to dealing with, but that should be no problem!
Neil: What's bigger!? What's going on!?
Nikki: SHH! Let him work. I gotta see how he does it!
Harrison: Now you see it! Now you don't!
Harrison: Now I'll just repeat the process until the mountain is gone. TADA!
Nerris: You've angered the mountain, Harrison! God, you suck.
Harrison: I do not suck! You're the sucking one!
Neil: YOU BOTH SUCK!
Nerris: There's only one true Magic Kid, and it's ME.
Harrison: You wanna prove it, four-eyes!? How about a... MAGIC DUEL!?
Nerris: I accept! Let's roll for initiative!
Neil: Guys? Maybe we should just take care of the ACTIVE VOLCANO first!
Nerris: Shut up, Neil!
Nikki: Oh! This gonna be gooood! Neil, are you seeing this?
Neil: I'M GOING TO HIT YOU, NIKKI!
Nerris & Harrison: *constipated yells*
Nikki: Hey look, it's that SQUIRREL! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Nerris: Give it up, Harrison!
Nikki: WAAAAH! AAAHH! GAH! Guys! Help! The dark forces are going to consume me!
Harrison: I get it now. Nerris! The dark forces were in us the entire time!
Nerris: Are you saying we have to put aside our differences to save the day? Together!?
Harrison: Yes! Was that not obvious?
Nerris: I'm just making sure, let's go!
Nerris & Harrison: NIKKI!
Harrison: Oh man! Well, guess we were a little late.
Nerris: Yeah... Maybe we should have gotten this sorted out earlier.
Nikki: IT BUUUURRRRNNNSSS! AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Max: What the hell are you idiots doing?
Nikki: Um... Saving the world?
Max: I'm trying to win all of Nurf's bullying money! Can you keep it down?
David: What in the name of fun is going on here!? Nikki, that was supposed to be tomorrow's pudding!
Quartermaster: And it will continue to be tomorrow's pudding.
Nerris: Sorry David. We must have gotten carried away with our quest.
Quartermaster: Wait, did you children not restore balance to the dark forces inside the mountain?
Harrison: Uh... No?
Neil: Yeah. We didn't think you were serious about that. We're just kids after all.
- *sound of Sleepy Peak Peak erupting*
Quartermaster: Hmm. End times.