- - RTX 2016 intro -
- - Rooster Teeth Summer of Animation Intro -
- *Eagle screeching*
David: Can you believe it, Max? We're getting not one, not three, but two new campers today!
Max: Yup. It's really, truly horrifying.
David: Horrifying? What, are you afraid of making a few new friends?
Max: I'm not here to make friends, David. I'm here because camp is where kids are sent when their parents don't want to deal with them.
- -Why do you think we return the favour when they hit seventy?
David: Hang on a sec, what are you even doing out here?
Max: Well, it's definitely not because the bus only comes in from the city to drop off and pick up campers
- -and so far seems to be my only reasonable method of escaping this fucking nightmare of a camp.
Max: Definitely not that.
David: Heeeeyy... language.
Max: Suck a dick—
David: All I want is for you kids to have as much fun as I did when I was a Campbell camper.
David: Is that really too much to ask?
Max: I refuse to believe someone as happy as you can possibly exist.
- *bus honking*
David: *gasp* The bus is here!
David: Hello, welcome to Camp--
- *David screaming*
Quartermaster: Kids are here.
- *heavily inhaling*
Nikki: Oh yeah, smell that nature! Oh that's the stuff.
David: Well hello there, little lady. You must be Nikki.
David: My name is David, your camp--
- *David screaming in pain*
Neil: Um, excuse me?
Neil: Is this Science Camp?
Nikki: No, silly!
Nikki: This is Adventure Camp. Ad-ven-ture!
Nikki: My mom said so! Unless she was lying. Again.
Nikki: Sorry about that hand by the way. Just exerting dominance, you know how it goes.
David: Uh, and you must be Neil.
David: Well, you two will be happy to know that Camp Campbell is both of th--
- *David screaming*
Max: Stupid prepubescent legs!
Quartermaster: Not today, child. Only one driving this bus is me.
David: Ugh. Thank you, Quartermaster.
Quartermaster: You're on your own, now.
Quartermaster: Going on break, be back for the bus at noon.
David: Max, you are not leaving my side for the rest of the day.
Max: We'll see about that, camp man.
Neil: So what's your deal?
Max: *sigh* I'm just a kid trying to survive out here, Neil.
David: Now let's go check out the camp, kids!
David: The first stop on any good tour is the flagpole!
David: I can't help but give it the official Camp Campbell salute every time I see it.
David: Beside the flagpole is our mess hall, which--
David: Oh! Sorry, saw the flag again.
David: Beside the flagpole is our mess hall, which is connected to the Quartermaster Store.
David: It's here that we'll serve meals, hold announcements, and occasionally take part in camp activities.
David: Tell 'em just how much you love it, Max!
Max: See, that's the sad thing. He still actually thinks that I love it.
David: And who wouldn't?
David: Now, let's step inside and meet my co-counselour Gwen, who's in the middle of a camp activity right now!
David: Oho man, you're gonna love her.
David: Gooood morning, Gwen!
Space kid: Goooo! Crank it to high, I can take the G's!
Gwen: Nerf, you don't crank shit! Get down from there, space kid!
David: Oh dear!
Neil: What is going on here?
Max: I'm telling you, if we leave now, I can hot wire that bus.
Nikki: This is amazing!
Space kid: Oh-ho.
Space kid: I'm okay.
David: What the gosh darn heck happened?
Gwen: Ugh, space kids just, y'know, pushing me to my limits again.
Space kid: I will achieve space flight!
David: Well, we have new campers to introduce and orientate!
Gwen: Jesus, that's right.
Gwen: Okay, let's... show them the video.
David: Actually, I was thinking I could play them that song I've been--
Gwen: I'm gonna stop you, right there.
Gwen: I'll get the laser disk.
David: All you campers head over to the activities field for your afternoon sessions.
- *noises of complaint*
David: Uh-uh. Not you, Max.
Neil: Will someone please talk to me about Science Camp?
Neil: None of those kids looked too science-y.
Nikki: What about that astronaut kid?
Neil: Astronauts, the wannabe jocks of the scientific community? Please.
David: Don't you worry kiddos, this video will explain everything.
David: It was put together by our founder, Cameron Campbell, back when I was an eager young camper just like yourselves!
David: he was an absolute legend-- oh, sorry, is an absolute legend.
David: A savvy businessman, extraordinary philanthropist, and one heck of an adventurer if I do say so myself.
David: Oh, it's true, Mr. Campbell doesn't often have time to come visit the camp anymore
- -what with him travelling the globe and, I'm assuming, saving lives.
David: But! He'll always live on in our hearts and minds.
David: It's like the man always said: We're here to have a great summer, and campe diem!
David: Oh, if only he were here now.
Campbell: I'm here now.
David: *gasp* Mr. Campbell!?
David: Wh-- what are you doing here, sir?
Campbell: *laughing* Well I'm certainly not hiding from any authorities if that's what you're thinking.
Campbell: Haha, come on, Davey!
Campbell: You think I'd miss the opportunity to welcome our new Campbell campers to Cameron Campbell's Camp Campbell?
Gwen: You have for years, sir.
Campbell: Haha, oh Grace, you slay me!
Gwen: It's... Gwen.
Campbell: What did I say?
Nikki: Hey, brawny guy?
Nikki: This is Adventure Camp, right?
Neil: Yeah, so far every attempt to answer our questions just raises more questions.
Max: Hey, good for you! You're starting to catch on!
Campbell: Haha, don't worry kids! These two will take you on a tour of our great camp and answer any questions you might have.
- *Car screeching*
Campbell: In fact, we should go on that tour right now, all of us, together, away from this spot.
David: Here at Camp Campbell, we pride ourselves on the variety of our curriculum.
Gwen: There's Extreme Sports Camp,
- -Magic Camp,
- *kid laughing*
- -Space Camp,
- -Theatre Camp,
- *kid laughing*
- -Art Camp,
Dolph: *in a German accent* It's a dog!
- -Other Magic Camp,
Magic Kid: Lightning bolt!
- -and lots more. Lots of stuff.
Nikki: How much more stuff?
David: Well I'm glad you asked, because I have a little song that I can sing--
David: When Gwen's not around.
Gwen: By the way, Mr. Campbell, now that you're here maybe we can discuss just exactly how we're meant to operate at this scale—
Campbell: Hey, is that kid trying to escape?
- *Max panting*
Max: If I can just get to that bus before it heads back!
David: Looks like knitting camp wasn't as stupid as someone said, huh Max?
Max: You are the bane of my existence.
David: All right now, let's go.
Neil: Excuse me, what the hell is this?
David: Ah! I see you found it.
David: That, my friend, is science camp!
Neil: But but but-- this isn't what I signed up for!
Neil: I just wanted Science Camp, not Science Camp and more! I don't want more!
Campbell: Well that's why you read the fine print, sport!
Campbell: See, right there. And more.
Campbell: Now you can't sue us!
Nikki: So, what? It's just some sort of Camp Camp?
Campbell: Well I mean, I wouldn't exactly call it out like that. But yes.
Neil: This is bullshit!
Max: Woah, check out the balls on new kid.
Neil: I don't know what kind of operation you think you're running, but I won't stand for it!
Neil: I'm a man of science!
Neil: You think you can rummage together some outdated equipment and call it a laboratory!?
Gwen: Look, kid, I know it's not--
Campbell: Stand down, Gretchen.
Campbell: I'll speak to the children.
Campbell: Kids, I'm going to be blunt and honest with you.
Campbell: When I opened Camp Campbell all those years ago, I had one goal and one goal only.
Campbell: To create the most popular and successful summer camp in the world!
Campbell: But times have changed.
Campbell: Things like the internet, video games, and the Affordable Care Act are ruining this great country of ours,
- -and the children of today just aren't interested in a traditional summer camp.
Campbell: But America isn't a traditional country!
Campbell: So why settle for anything less!
Campbell: You've got two acceptable counsellors, one hell of a Quartermaster, and endless possibilities here at Camp Campbell.
Campbell: And by God, as long as I'm here--
- *tires screeching*
Campbell: Code black, code black!
Campbell: Well, look at the time. Gotta go!
David: Sir! Where are you going?
Campbell: The nearest international waters, Davey. Have a great summer, kids!
Campbell: *fading away* And campe diem!
- *Tires screeching*
Nikki: He seems nice.
Gwen: Oh God it's coming back, the crippling anxiety and regret.
David: Uh, Gwen!?
Quartermaster: Well, time to be getting that there bus back to that there city.
Max: Neil, that bus is our only chance out of here.
Max: Do you want to spend the rest of your summer at this godforsaken place or do you want to enjoy the sweet taste of freedom?
Gwen: Why did I get a liberal arts degree?
Neil: Let's get the fuck out of here.
Nikki: Makin' a break for it?
Nikki: I can make a distraction for you.
Max: Why would you help us?
Nikki: I'm an agent of chaos.
Nikki: Hey David!
David: Yes Nikki!
Nikki: How about you pick up our spirits with that camp song you won't shut up about?
David: Well that's a great idea!
Gwen: Oh Jesus Christ no.
- -there's a place I know that's tucked away, a place where you and I can stay,
- -where we can go to laugh and play and have adventures every day!
- -I know it sounds hard to believe but guys and gals it's true, Camp Campbell is the place for me and--
Gwen: The kids are gone.
Quartermaster: No running.
- (It sucks!) I'm sorry I'm sorry (It always sucks!) I'm--
Quartermaster: No running.
- *Kids panting*
Max: There it is!
Neil: They're right behind us!
David: Max, get back here! You are being a bad influence on our new campers!
Nikki: Max, hurry!
- *dramatic music*
- *Nikki and Max laughing*
Max: Remember this face, David, cause you'll never see it again!
- *tires screeching*
- *Max laughing*
Sheriff: I'm getting real tired of having to come up here, David.
David: I know, Sal.
Max: We were so close!
Neil: Well, I mean in hindsight none of us really know how to drive.
Gwen: Yeah, honestly Max, how far did you expect to make it?
Nikki: Imma be real, I just always wanted to drive a bus.
David: Well kids, I hope we all learned something today.
Max: Oh, no. I hope YOU learned, David.
Max: I hope you learned that before today, you only had one little bastard to deal with.
Max: But now you've got three.
Max: Let's go, guys. I'll take you to our tent.
Nikki: This is gonna be awesome!
Gwen: This is gonna be awful.
David: Oh, come on Gwen! Look at the bright side!
David: Max made not one, not three, but two new friends today!
- *David screams in Terror and Pain*
- [ End credits begin ]
- You never seen nothin' like this before.
- When the lights in the house crash down with the sound and we expect to cry
- the east side where the motherfuckers try to slide, right now
- We'll find out that it's the turn of the tides
- and keep it real if you feel the fucking deal is drop, gunshot that stab your fucking heart, like
- Bitch, motherfucker stay away from me!
- Take a hit from us, motherfucking symphony
- Pop pop is the sound that will make when you drop
- Motherfucking rollin' out, go to bitch jail.