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"David Gets Hard" is the 9th episode of Camp Camp.

Official synopsis

David enlists the help of Gwen and Max to toughen himself up for Nurf's behavioral correction camp. Will Nurf's deep-rooted issues prove to be too much for him?

—Episode description

Plot

This episode page is missing plot details! Please help us out by adding an episode summary here.

Transcript

The transcript for "David Gets Hard" may be edited here.
♪ ♪  

David: T-G-I-F, kiddos! Boy has it been a week! Monday we went base jumping for Ered's Extreme Sports Camp. Tuesday we froze Harrison alive for Magic Camp.  

Nerris: I can fix that...  

David: Wednesday was a double-whammy for Arts and Performance!  

Dolph: *sinister tone* Do not move a muscle.  

David: And all of these hilarious props and gags are courtesy of Thursday's Visual Comedy Camp!  

*toy horn honk*  

Max: Thursday's over, Scotty. Go back to your tent.  

*sad toy horn honk*  

David: So, Gwen, which camper are we focusing on to wrap up the week?  

Gwen: Uh...  

David: Come on, co-counselor. Who's it gonna be?  

Gwen: It's... Nurf.  

*dramatic sting*  

Space Kid: Breach!  

David: Oh dear. Nurf's... camp?  

Neil: What camp did Nurf sign up for?  

Gwen: Nurf... didn't sign up for a camp... His parents signed him up... for behavioral correction camp.  

David: *quivering* Boot Camp.  

Nurf: FUCK YEAH! Scare me straight! In all seriousness though, if I don't see definitive results, I'm contacting my parents.  

David: I don't—  

Nurf: AND DON'T BE A FUCKING FA—  

*bleep*  

Nurf: —or I'll tell them you touched me!  

*toy horn honk*  
[ Camp Camp Song Song ]  

Gwen: Right. We knew this day would come.  

David: I don't know if I can do this, Gwen! Camp is supposed to be about learning... and having fun!  

Gwen: Well we're gonna learn that little shit some MANNERS, David! Because we are contractually obligated to! I am NOT... moving back in with my parents.  

David: *whining* But I'm not tough enough to run a boot camp!  

*screeching*  

Max: Thank you.  

Quartermaster: Mhmm.  

Max: YOU may not be tough enough to run a boot camp, David, but I can teach you.  

David: Teach me?  

Max: Oh yeah. Teach you how to be mean — how to be HARD! How to keep kids like Nurf out there from walking all over you! After all, there's only one camper at Camp Campbell worse than him, and it's me.  

Gwen: What do you want?  

Max: Double dessert, no activities for a week, and David's social security number.  

Gwen: Done.  

David: Gwen!  

Gwen: SHUT UP, DAVID.  

David: Okay.  

Max: No! You can't just back down the moment someone gets in your face, idiot!  

Gwen: Yeah! Ya gotta stand up for yourself! I can't do this alone, which means you've got to pull yourself together!  

David: Gosh darnit, you're right, Gwen. Today's the day I get hard!  

Gwen: ...Okay maybe we don't phrase it like that.  

David: Oh no! Rule 1: No backing down! Look out, world! I'm hard and I'm coming! Whether he likes it or not, Nurf is gonna let me in!  

*badass kick*  

David: Owie.  

Max: ...So does he want to help Nurf or fuck him?  

*military drumline*  

David: Alrighty, Nurf. It's high time we whipped you into shape! Uh... sonny! Now I am confiscating that pocket knife!  

David: *sad, yet hilarious, crying and whimpering*  

Max: You're pathetic.  

Gwen: And getting blood on my boots.  

David: Guys, I just don't know if this whole "tough guy" technique is going to work. What if we just... I don't know... give him a hug? Those always make me feel better!  

Max: NO HUGS! You've just got to change your perspective on life. Tell me, how do you feel about you co-counselor Gwen?  

David: *sniffles* Well... She's smart, she helps me run activities...  

Max: No, no! You're being positive again! Gwen's the fucking worst! She slacks off, reads garbage, and has no idea what she's doing with her life!  

Gwen: *seething* What.  

Max: There's no time-traveling doctor coming to save you, Gwen! Get your shit together!  

Gwen: *crying* I just want to have his British babies! *weeping intensifies*  

Max: Now, it's your turn.  

*dramatic sting*  
*kitty squealing*  

David: Nurf! I've got a bone to pick with you!  

Max: Let him have it.  

David: Now this may sound harsh, but gosh darnit, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE VERY NICE! In fact, I'd go as far to say, YOU'RE MEAN!  

Max: ...Okay let's dig a little deeper there, idiot.  

David: Right! I know that's probably hard to hear!  

Max: No...  

David: And may have even been a little too far!  

Max: Not at all...  

David: But by golly, it seems to me you've never been very polite to anyone!  

Max: *muttering* God damnit.  

David: I just don't think you're aware of the impact your behavior is having on other campers! But... you know... if you ARE aware of that, then that is some good self-awareness!  

Max: Okay now you're just complimenting him.  

Nurf: So, the tough love approach, huh? You know, my uncle believed in tough love. Turns out child protective services didn't, though.  

David: ...Excuse me?  

Nurf: Assuming I've always been bad is pretty narrow-minded of you, David. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I'm just a product of a judgmental, overprotective society?  

David: Uh...  

Nurf: I mean you chew ONE pop tart into the shape of a gun... and BAM! In-school suspension! Suddenly you're labeled a problem child. "You're not like the other kids. You're bad." So then you get sent to a place where other kids perpetuate the same negative mentality, making you worse, so that by the time you return to normal school life, you actually are bad. Thus continuing the endless cycle of crime and punishment. Until all that's left is a little boy. A little boy who only believes he can be what the world tells him he is. A loser. A lost cause. A bully.  

David: Nurf... I am so sorry.  

Nurf: Whatever, dick-turd!  

David: *squealing and sobbing*  

Matt: Man he is... way more fucked up than I thought.  

Gwen: You two are idiots. Being tough isn't the same as being an asshole. You guys gotta take this from a more psychological approach.  

Max: How would you know?  

Gwen: As a matter of fact, I dual-majored in psychology.  

Max: So you have TWO useless degrees?  

Gwen: ...Yeah.  

David: *sobbing* What are you suggesting?  

Gwen: Well...  

Neil: You sure you don't want to get in on this whole Nurf-centric adventure today?  

Nikki: Yeah, I'm good. We'll probably do something crazy next week.  

Nurf: *sarcastic* Oops! Didn't see ya there! Just kidding, I was fully aware of the situation. I'm just acting out for attention. That being said, I do think I need corrective lenses. My mom just won't take me.  

David: Nurf! I think it's time we all had a little talk.  

Nurf: Oh so we're doing the whole freudian thing now? Everyone wants to fuck their own mom. Get over it.  

David: *whimpering*  

Gwen: *whisper* Be strong.  

David: Nurf, we feel as though you have a relatively strong grasp on the events that have led to your negative behavior, and we wanted to walk through them with you together, in the hopes of finding a solution. This isn't going to be easy, but we think— PUT THE KNIFE DOWN. But we think that this is the only way we're going to get to the root of your issues. So, Nurf, what do ya say?  

Nurf: Well... I think it all started when I joined the ballet...  

*orchestra playing warm, ambling melody*  

Nurf: So really all these behavioral problems seem to be stemming from a vast variety of issues, but what's truly important is that I don't allow society's labels to define who I am. That choice belongs to me and me alone, and I think I finally understand that.  

David: *crying* I think so too, Nurf. So, what are you gonna do now?  

*heartwarming, swelling music, which suddenly stops*  

Nurf: STAB MY DAD!  

David: NO! What?! Why!?  

Nurf: I don't know, to break the cycle! What do you expect, I'm just a kid! Eat my farts, butt-nut! Hyah!  

*kids screaming*  

Gwen: Jesus! What do we do!  

Max: And where does he keep getting knives!  

David: Gosh darnit! We are going to do things MY way! With aggressive pacifism!  

Gwen: I'll get the bandages.  

Nerris: Y-y-you shall not pass!  

Nurf: Heh-heh. Heh. Heh! *snort*  

David: Wait, Nurf! Stop!  

Nurf: No! I'm done talking! My emotions can only be expressed through sadistic tendencies!  

David: I don't want to talk! Or shout, or any of that! I just want to give you a hug! Come here, little guy!  

*simultaneous gasps*  

David: Oh my gosh! Nurf! I'm so sorry! Are you okay?  

Nurf: Woah... That... really hurt... Jeez, I can't believe I've been subjecting people to physical violence like this. I feel kind of bad about my behavior.  

David: ...What?  

Nurf: Yeah, I think I'm gonna go sit down in my tent and... think about what I did today. Sorry, everybody.  

Gwen: Huh. I guess you... did it, David. Good job.  

David: But I didn't —  

Nurf: Hey, David. Thanks for everything.  

David: No... WAIT! We need to talk about this! This is not okay!  

Nurf: Nah, man, I'm good. I'm gonna tell everyone about how you helped me today. Goodbye, friends!  

Max: Well. I guess it turns out at the end of the day... sometimes you just gotta hit kids!  

Characters

Gallery

To see the full gallery, go to David Gets Hard/Gallery.

Trivia

  • The Nurf-centric nature of the episode, as well as the overall low screentime of the main cast, is lampshaded by Neil and Nikki. They also suggest that they will probably do something crazy next week anyway, a reference to the fact that they have much more prominent roles in the next episode.
  • Nurf is shown to have a large amount of concealed knives and impressive aim with them as well.
  • At one point, a quote by Nurf alludes to the infamous 2014 incident of a child in Maryland eating a pop tart into the shape of a gun and being suspended for it.
  • Yet another Nazi-related visual gag is made about Dolph: he is seen painting an image of a Superman-like superhero with blond hair, blue eyes, and a "Ü" on his chest (presumably short for "Übermensch").
  • The same set of props from the episode "Romeo & Juliet II: Love Resurrected" (containing a trumpet, a plunger, a bowling ball, and what appears to be ORF from X-Ray and Vav) reappears in this episode in front of Scotty when the Visual Comedy Camp is mentioned.
  • When Gwen looks at the schedule (reflecting the activities for the week that have just been mentioned), it lists each camper and the activity focusing on them: "Monday: Ered - Base jumping", "Tuesday: Harrison - Frozen alive", "Wednesday: Dolph + Preston - Just... Let them figure it out", "Thursday: Scotty - Visual Comedy (Find props IN "BUDGET")", and "Friday: NURF"
  • After David whines that he's not tough enough to run a boot camp, Max scratches the Quartermaster's hook on a chalkboard that has an image of Nurf (labeled "NURF") on it. The image also has labels pointing to various parts on him: "LIFELESS EYES (Like A Doll's Eyes)" pointing to his eyes, "BITES YA" pointing to his teeth, "Burried Treasure" pointing to his X-shaped belly button, and "Chris Browns" pointing to his fists (referencing Chris Brown's domestic abuse of Rihanna).
  • As in "Reigny Day", this episode also hints at a sadder side to Nurf; the other side of the tree Nurf is stabbing appears to have "CRY FOR HELP" scratched into it. He also tells David a sob story about being pigeonholed as a "problem child", but stabs David in the hand when he tries to show sympathy. He later bullies Neil and Nikki, but is very openly self-aware and acknowledges that he's just acting out for attention. When Nurf finally opens up, he mentions that he joined the ballet earlier in his childhood.
  • Max tells Gwen, "There's no time-traveling doctor coming to save you, Gwen!" and she responds, "I just wants to have his British babies. This is a blatant reference to Doctor Who.
  • Gwen reveals that she dual-majored in Psychology (in addition to her liberal arts degree, as mentioned in a previous episode). When David tries to use her psychology-based approach to deal with Nurf, Nurf replies, "Oh, so we're doing the whole Freudian thing now? Everyone wants to fuck their own mom. Get over it." This is a reference to the Oedipus complex, a concept theorized by Sigmund Freud. David later shows Nurf a Rorschach test (that arguably looks like a man having sex with someone or something else).
  • When Nurf tries to bully Nerris, she stammers, "You shall not pass!" This is a very well-known quote from the film The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.

Errors

  • When David held up the picture of an Ink Blot to Nurf, the bandages around his hands disappear. they reappear again on the next scene.

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