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"Cult Camp" is the first episode and premiere of the second season of Camp Camp, and is the 13th episode overall. It premiered June 9th, 2017 on the Rooster Teeth website.

Official Synopsis

Gwen puts out an ad looking for a new camp counselor, but is not happy with the results. Max suspects there is something off about the new hire.

—Episode description

Plot

David is fast asleep with his morning wood on display[misleading] when Gwen bursts in and wakes him up. She tells him that she found a stash of cash, which she used to put out a Help Wanted ad in the news paper. David is skeptical about the idea of hiring a new camp counselor at first, but immediately changes his mind when, mere moments later, Daniel arrives. When Gwen greets Daniel, her enthusiasm at hiring a new co-counselor is immediately dampered as she notices that he looks and acts almost exactly like David. David hires Daniel immediately, without performing any sort of background check on the guy, and Gwen, severely creeped out, decides to use all of her vacation days. Thus leaving the entire camp in the hands of David and Daniel. Unbeknownst to Gwen or David, the next page of the newspaper reads, "enthusiastic cult leader leaves entire compound dead." The page after this one has a large picture of Daniel with the words, "WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT HIRE THIS MAN!!" printed next to it. But perhaps the most incriminating of all is the final page of that newspaper, which has an advert on it for Muffin Topz all you can eat shrimp and steak, which is only for five dollars. It may not pertain to the rest of the story, but it sounds suspiciously delicious.

After an incident in which one of the campers throws a grenade into the camp counselor's cabin, David gathers the campers around for a presentation on what is and is not a baseball and then introduces Daniel to the kids when Max asks who the fuck he is. Daniel tells David that he has some positive exercises for the campers that will help cleanse them of their negative emotions, to which David replies that the kids are in good hands, and leaves to finish the employment paperwork. Within minutes Daniel establishes his irrational beliefs on space, the Big Bang, purification, ascension, and the God Xemüg. This is enough to convince Max, Nikki, and Neil to that Daniel is actually a batshit crazy cultist who is going to brainwash and kill the entire camp.

The children try to convince David that Daniel is crazy but David remains skeptical, despite deciding to address their concerns and confront Daniel anyways. This, much to Max's dismay, does not go as planned. By the time the trio and David arrive at the Mess Hall all of the other campers have been brainwashed and Daniel has them preparing for an "ascension," party. Daniel then has Dolf escort the trio to the "purification," sauna. A sauna that uses high pressured steam und subliminal messaging to deconstruct the individual's psyche and reform it in a way that please the "ancient ones," of Daniel's religion. Max, Nikki, and Neil watch as their fellow campers prepare a giant bowl of fruit punch laced with rat poison, which Daniel intends to have them drink. Horrified, the kids go full panic mode. And that's when Daniel suddenly appears behind them and throws Nikki and Neil into the sauna, brainwashing them both. Max calls Daniel out on his crazy plan, to which he replies that he's just helping the kids to feel safe. David congratulates Daniel on making the campers happy, as ignorant to the situation as ever. Max realizes that David is too oblivious to see Daniel's insanity and murderous intentions and decides to take a page from Daniel's book by using an appeal to emotions on David rather than an appeal to logic. Max's speech about how inept David is at his job when compared to Daniel triggers a daydream about David and Gwen getting fired, which visibly disturbs David. David tries to comfort himself by saying not everyone loves Daniel, only for Max to intentionally get himself brainwashed and proclaim his love for Daniel, too. Completely shocked by this sudden change of character in his son, David decides to fire Daniel. Daniel refuses to be terminated, claiming that he has successfully met every requirement for the position and that David has no right to let him go. David then challenges Daniel to a Camp Song sing off. As they try one up each other through the art of song, Daniel, upon bragging about how he has infiltrated their camp and will sacrifice them all, gets too caught up in the moment and accidentally drinks the poisoned punch.

Daniel is promptly taken away by an ambulance although whether he survived the incident or not remains a mystery to this very day. Gwen returns to camp shortly after Daniel is wheeled away with her own choice for a new camp counselor, Jen. A blonde doppelganger of Gwen, who is equally as crazy as Daniel. And thus everyone's favorite episode ends.

Transcript

The transcript for "Cult Camp" may be edited here.
David: *snore* Pine.  

David: *snore* Cedar.  

*snore*  

Gwen: Goooood morning, David!  

David: Goooood morning, Gwen!  

David: Wait, this feels backwards.  

Gwen: Yep!  

Gwen: But today's the day!  

David: *gasp* You've realized your love of Camp Campbell and everything it stands for?  

Gwen: HELL NO!  

David: "Help... Wanted?"  

Gwen: That's right.  

Gwen: Found a stash of cash Campbell hid in the quartermaster's store behind a box of grenades.  

David: I don't know, Gwen.  

Gwen: Are you sure we really need more help?  

*window breaks*  
*grenade hits the floor*  

Nikki: Sorry, foul ball!  

Gwen: YES. *furious knocking*  

Daniel: Hello, I'm here for the job listing?  

Gwen: OMG.  

Yes! This is...  

Daniel: Gooood morning!  

*breathes in and out*  

Daniel: Smell that fresh mountain air!  

Daniel: Gosh, now that's the kind of nature you don't just find in any ol' neck of the woods.  

Gwen: Oh dear lord no.  

David: Hello?  

Daniel: Oh, well, hello there friend!  

Daniel: Where are my manners?  

Daniel: My name is Daniel,  

Daniel: Your camp counselor applicant.  

Daniel: I hope I'm not too late to submit my resume.  

David: Too late? You're the first one!  

Daniel: Ha! Are you pulling my leg?  

David: No leg-pulling here, but we are keen on handshakes! *Eyebrows waggle*  

Daniel: Well, who isn't? *Eyebrows bob, as if in agreement*  

David: The name's David.  

Daniel: Pleasure to meet you, David.  

David: The pleasure's all mine, Daniel.  

David: So, what sort of experience do you have?  

Daniel: Well, sadly, my old camp was recently shut down.  

Daniel: And ever since, I've been searching night and day  

Daniel: for a new group of eager young kiddos I can help to educate and reach their full potential!  

David: Did ya' hear that Gwen? I think we just hit the jackpot!  

David: This was a great idea!  

Gwen: Y'know...  

Gwen: I think now's the perfect time for me to use my vacation days.  

David & Daniel: Aw, Gwen, are you sure?  

*Car speeds off*  

David: Well, more fun for us! Come on, Daniel.  

David: I think you're gonna fit in here juuuust fine!  

Daniel: I think so too David! I think so too...  

[Focus is on a newspaper.]  
[Newspaper flips to an article describing an overly enthusiastic cult leader at large who left an entire compound dead.]  
[Newspaper flips to another article warning not to hire anyone that looks like the man depicted in the picture.]  
[The picture is a portrait of Daniel.]  
[Newspaper flips to a scrumptious advert of an "all you can eat" deal at Muffin Topz]  
[ Opening – "Camp Camp Song Song" ]  

David: And that concludes my presentation on what is, and is not, a baseball.  

David: So, any questions?  

David: Yes, Max.  

Max: Who the fuck is that?!  

David: Why, what an excellent question!  

David: Campbell campers, I'd like you all to give a warm welcome to our newest co-counselor, Daniel!  

Daniel: Howdy kiddos!  

Space Kid: Howdy-do Daniel!  

Max: You've got to be shitting me.  

Daniel: Whoa, watch the language there little fella!  

David: Watch the language indeed!  

David: Just because Daniel here is new, doesn't mean you should treat him any different  

David: Than you treat me.  

Nikki: Got it! *splat*  

Max: He IS you, David! Save for the outfit.  

Max: Seriously, freakshow.  

What's with the cult leader getup?  
*ominous music*  

Daniel: You must be Max.  

I've heard aaaaall about you.  
*Creepy head tilt noise*  

Max: O..kay?  

David: Daniel, I am SO sorry about this TERRIBLE behavior.  

Daniel: Oh don't you worry, co-counselor.  

Daniel: They're just, "raggin' on the new guy".  

Daniel: I thought this might happen, and so for my first day as camp counselor,  

Daniel: I've prepared several exercises that are gonna help cleanse all of us  

Daniel: of our negative emotions!  

David: Well, that sounds WONDERFUL!  

David: You kids are definitely in good hands.  

David: I'll go finish up your employment paperwork.  

David: In the meantime, try not to have too much fun without me!  

David: Just kidding, have all the fun you want!  

*door slams*  

Daniel: Sooo, children...  

Daniel: Is there anybody here who has an interest in... SPACE?  

Space Kid: OOH! OOH!! Oh, me! Me!!!  

Daniel: Oh, really? Well, that's WONDERFUL!  

Space Kid: Yeah... I know all sorts of stuff about space.  

Daniel: Well, did you know that all negative emotions actually come FROM space?  

Space Kid: Uh. Well, I.... No. I-I didn't.  

Daniel: It's true!  

Daniel: Our atmosphere is under constant bombardment from negative emotions tied to dark toxins!  

*ominous music starts*  

Daniel: These toxins cling to the matter left over from the Big Bang,  

Daniel: meaning that even if we're all pure of heart at birth,  

Daniel: we're bathing in a negative-rich  

environment every SECOND!  

Space Kid: Whooooaaa.  

Neil: Oookay, I'mma stop you right there.  

Neil: Are you suggesting that the massive explosion responsible for the creation of the universe  

Neil: is also responsible for some sort  

of endless, radioactive evil?  

Daniel: Oh, no. Not at all!  

Daniel: The Big Bang didn't create the universe!  

It was just a side effect of the Millenia Wars, started by Zeemoog and the Galactic Confederacy!  

Neil: Riiiight.  

*violin shrieking*  

Daniel: You must be Neil.  

Daniel: David told me about you were quite the... inquisitive little fellow. *ominous music*  

Neil: He-hey, buddy. let's try to recognize some.. personal space here.  

Daniel: Why do you feel the need to question everything, Neil?  

*neck crack* What good has it led to?  

Neil: Well. For one, I'm not walking around,  

talking about "Zeemoog".  

Daniel: Buuut, are you happy with your life?  

Are you at peace?  
Or do you find yourself filled with anxiety and doubt?  
Doesn't the world seem awfully scary?  

Nurf: It DOES!  

Daniel: Well, what if I told you it didn't have to be?  

Nurf: I don't really know what you're selling here, Daniel...  

...But I am BUYING it!  

Daniel: Then help me, help you.  

..Help others!  

Nurf: YEAHHH! I'M HELPING!  

Daniel: Excellent! Now who else wants to help and reach ascension~?  

Max: Oh my fuck, he's ACTUALLY-  

Max: A CULTIST!  

YOU HIRED A FUCKING CULTIST, YOU IDIOT!  

David: Whoa, whoa! What's wrong, kids?  

And why aren't you with Daniel?  

Max: Oh. You mean the bat-shit crazy cult leader YOU just put in charge of the camp!?!  

David: Again with these cult jokes, Max? Please.  

Neil: He gave everyone a "de-toxification diet", then started spouting off Latin from a book with a pentagram!  

David: He's bilingual, AND cares about nutrition?  

Nikki: Hey, Daviiiid~?  

David: Yes, Nikki?  

Nikki: WAKE UP AND SMELL THE KOOL-AID! *smack*  

Max: If you don't believe us, then come see for yourself.  

[Max kicks down the doors to the Mess Hall]  

Daniel: Well! What a pleasant surprise!  

David, kids! Welcome!  
*in creepy unison* Welcome!  

David: Wowzers Daniel! This all looks incredible!  

What's it for?  

Daniel: Why, it's to celebrate, of course!  

Your campers have all been SO cooperative,  
and by the end of the day, I know everyone here will be  
cleansed of their hateful ways and ready to ascend to the next level!  

Nikki: Heeey, where ARE the campers?  

Daniel: Most are helping prepare for today's festivities,  

But a few of them are still hangin' around in the Purification Sauna!  

David: You built a SAUNA?!  

Max: THAT IS NOT THE WORD TO FOCUS ON, DAVID!  

Daniel: Dolph, Nurf, why don't you show your friends to the sauna?  

So they'll quit worryin', and start hurryin'..  
...their way to FUN!  
*spooky violins*  

Dolph: So... who vants to go first?  

Preston: PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP ME!  

HELP MEEEE...  

Neil: I would just like to point out the fucked-up implications  

of specifically YOU putting specifically ME into a gas chamber.  

Dolph: Ah! Zis is no gas chamber!  

Ve just use high-pressured steam,  
und subliminal messaging to deconstruct your psyche,  
und rebuild you in a form zat vill please ze Ancient Ones!  

Preston: *monotone* And I love it.  

*gasps*  

Ered: Oh, hey guys.  

You dudes are just in time to help prep for the killer party...  

Nerris: Daniel says that once we've all been cleansed,  

we shall consume this wonderful elixir, and ascend to our final form.  
[ Quartermaster takes a swig of the elixir ]  

QM: Hmm. Was better in Jonestown.  

Nerris: Isn't that right, Daniel?  

Daniel: Right you are, Nerris!  

Neil: MAX! DO SOMETHING!  

Max: You maniac! You brainwashed the entire camp!  

Daniel: "Brainwashed"? No, no, no!  

I just appealed to their emotions, and showed them the light!  
People don't wanna think, Max!  
They just wanna feel safe.  
And feelings beat facts, ANY day!  
[ Daniel tosses Nikki and Neil into the sauna chamber ]  

Daniel: Now... Don't you wanna feel safe, too?  

David: THERE YOU ARE!  

I was wondering where everyone had run off to!  

Max: DAVID! Oh, thank god!  

You have to stop him! He's insane!  

David: Max, I have had it up to HERE with your bad behavior today!  

Max: But it's all right here! Right in front of you!  

Proof that Daniel's actually a religious cult leader that's gonna brainwash and kill every last one of us!  

Nikki and Neil: We love you, Daniel...  

David: Well, all I see are happy faces!  

Great work, Daniel!  

Daniel: Aw, shucks. Thanks David!  

Aaaall right kids, let's start pouring that punch!  
And prepare for Ascension!  

Kids: YAAAAAY!  

Max: ...Fine. If THINKING is too hard, I'll do it Daniel's way.  

David, you're right.  
I've been awfully mean today.  

David: Aw, it's okay Max.  

I know making new friends can sometimes be a little scary.  

Max: Well, it's just because... I was scared for YOU!  

David: For me?  

Max: I mean, it's just so OBVIOUS that Daniel's a better camp counselor than you.  

David: What are you talking about?  

Max: Just look at him! In one DAY, he's managed to get everyone and working together!  

Something you and Gwen could NEVER do.  
Everyone LOVES Daniel!  

Kids: We love you, Daniel!  

David: W-well, that's good!  

Max: Well. Good for US, sure. But you?  

Once Cameron finds out that ONE camp counselor can do the job of TWO...  
he's DEFINITELY gonna let you and Gwen go.  

Dream-Cameron: Boy, I sure am glad I fired the HECK out of those other two loser counselors!  

All I need is you, Daniel! And no one else.  

David: Nnnn..  

Dream-Cameron: I SAID, no one else.  

David: *worried noises*  

I can't imagine a life without Camp Campbell!  
But, surely Daniel can't be THAT threatening!  
I mean, it's not like EVERYONE loves him. Right, Max?  
...Max?  

Max: I love you, Daniel!  

David: *gasps*  

David: But... that's not right. Max doesn't love ANYTHING!  

Daniel: So, David. Care to join us for a drink?  

David: Hmph!  

Daniel. I-I'm actually afraid that.. we need to let you go.  
I just don't think you're a good fit for Camp Campbell.  
*spooky violins*  
Oh. I see.  
Well, it is... unfortunate you feel that way, David.  
Yeah, I'm afraid it's just not-  

Daniel: HOWEVER, as far as I'm aware, I've successfully met every requirement listed in my job description.  

So, YOU don't actually have the legal right to terminate my employment. : )  

Unless, of course, you think there's an aspect of this job I've yet to uphold...?  
[David intensely stares at Daniel]  

David: As a matter of fact, there IS.  

You may be a good camp counselor, Daniel...  
But what good is a camp counselor, without camp SONGS?  

Daniel: *gasps* Why, David...  

I thought you'd NEVER ask!  

David: *Gasp*  

Hmph!  
[ Start of "Better Than You" ]  
*guitar strum*  
David:  
I hope this won’t sound impolite  
Or come across as too forthright  
But even though you seem alright, I...  
Think I’m better than you!  
Now please do keep this thought in mind  
That’s just my personal conviction.  
You’re smart and fun, you’re sweet and kind-  
I’d call our friendship an addiction!  
Your shoes are shined, your breath dolce,  
But still I find I have to say, I…  
Think I might be better than you!  
*fiddle playing*  

Daniel: You seem impressed with what you’ve shown,  

But I don’t find it that compelling.  
You’ve sung my praise but not your own  
And well, I think that’s pretty telling.  
But while we’re on the subject of  
How I’m superb and leagues above, you  
Ought to know I’m number one.  
I know that might be hard to swalloooww~ *spooky kiddo company*  
This hurts you just as much as me~  
But when this song is sung then you and I’ll know  
That you’re just a nobody!  
*fiddle and guitar*  
David:  
Well friend I don't know what to say-  
Daniel:  
Try starting with your resignation.  
David:  
Let's end this in the fin-a-le  
Daniel:  
I'm dying from anticipation!  

David: You’re really great, but let me state  

Daniel: You've been outdone  

David: You denigrate and seem to hate  

Daniel: Now I've really won  

David: The fact I break to abdicate  

Daniel: But it was fun  

David: Before I can asphyxiate, I...  

Daniel: Your end's begun, and...  

David: Think I might be better than you!  

Daniel: Now I know I'm better than you!  

David: Don’t hate me because it’s true!  

Daniel: And I'll prove it to you, too!  

David: Just know, I'm...  

Daniel: So watch as I identify  

David: Better thaaaan...  

Daniel: The skill to show I qualify  

Daniel: Like keeping up this camp charade  

And tricking kids to drink Kool-Aid  
To sacrifice them-!  
Oh, wait...  
*ambulance sirens*  

David: Poor guy. Must have been some bad fruit punch.  

Max: *sigh*  

You're a moron.  

David: Well, kids, I guess that's the last we'll be seeing of Daniel.  

From now on, it's just you, me, and...  
...Gwen?  

Gwen: DAVID. Fire that FUCKING weirdo,  

because I found us our newest camp counselor:  
Jen!  

Jen: Im really into fashion and trashy magazines!  

[Magazine opens to reveal satanic markings and text drawn  
on top of magazine models]  
[Campers stare in horror as Space Kid smiles]  

Space Kid: Howdy, Jen!  

[ Credits – "Cult of Personality" ]  

Features

Characters

Music

Gallery

To see the full gallery, go to Cult Camp/Gallery.

Trivia

  • Nikki and the Quartermaster both reference Jonestown throughout the episode. Jonestown was the location where Jim Jones, leader of the People's Temple cult, instructed his followers to ingest poisoned Grape Kool-Aid in order to kill themselves, which Daniel attempts to do as well.
  • Daniel and Jen look exactly like David and Gwen, but both have lighter color palettes.
  • Throughout the entire episode, Daniel does not blink; although he does squint, his eyes are open the entire time.

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