David: *snore* Cedar.
Gwen: Goooood morning, David!
David: Goooood morning, Gwen!
David: Wait, this feels backwards.
Gwen: But today's the day!
David: *gasp* You've realized your love of Camp Campbell and everything it stands for?
Gwen: HELL NO!
David: "Help... Wanted?"
Gwen: That's right.
Gwen: Found a stash of cash Campbell hid in the quartermaster's store behind a box of grenades.
David: I don't know, Gwen.
Gwen: Are you sure we really need more help?
- *window breaks*
- *grenade hits the floor*
Nikki: Sorry, foul ball!
Gwen: YES. *furious knocking*
Daniel: Hello, I'm here for the job listing?
- Yes! This is...
Daniel: Gooood morning!
- *breathes in and out*
Daniel: Smell that fresh mountain air!
Daniel: Gosh, now that's the kind of nature you don't just find in any ol' neck of the woods.
Gwen: Oh dear lord no.
Daniel: Oh, well, hello there friend!
Daniel: Where are my manners?
Daniel: My name is Daniel,
Daniel: Your camp counselor applicant.
Daniel: I hope I'm not too late to submit my resume.
David: Too late? You're the first one!
Daniel: Ha! Are you pulling my leg?
David: No leg-pulling here, but we are keen on handshakes! *Eyebrows waggle*
Daniel: Well, who isn't? *Eyebrows bob, as if in agreement*
David: The name's David.
Daniel: Pleasure to meet you, David.
David: The pleasure's all mine, Daniel.
David: So, what sort of experience do you have?
Daniel: Well, sadly, my old camp was recently shut down.
Daniel: And ever since, I've been searching night and day
Daniel: for a new group of eager young kiddos I can help to educate and reach their full potential!
David: Did ya' hear that Gwen? I think we just hit the jackpot!
David: This was a great idea!
Gwen: I think now's the perfect time for me to use my vacation days.
David & Daniel: Aw, Gwen, are you sure?
- *Car speeds off*
David: Well, more fun for us! Come on, Daniel.
David: I think you're gonna fit in here juuuust fine!
Daniel: I think so too David! I think so too...
- [Focus is on a newspaper.]
- [Newspaper flips to an article describing an overly enthusiastic cult leader at large who left an entire compound dead.]
- [Newspaper flips to another article warning not to hire anyone that looks like the man depicted in the picture.]
- [The picture is a portrait of Daniel.]
- [Newspaper flips to a scrumptious advert of an "all you can eat" deal at Muffin Topz]
- [ Opening – "Camp Camp Song Song" ]
David: And that concludes my presentation on what is, and is not, a baseball.
David: So, any questions?
David: Yes, Max.
Max: Who the fuck is that?!
David: Why, what an excellent question!
David: Campbell campers, I'd like you all to give a warm welcome to our newest co-counselor, Daniel!
Daniel: Howdy kiddos!
Space Kid: Howdy-do Daniel!
Max: You've got to be shitting me.
Daniel: Whoa, watch the language there little fella!
David: Watch the language indeed!
David: Just because Daniel here is new, doesn't mean you should treat him any different
David: Than you treat me.
Nikki: Got it! *splat*
Max: He IS you, David! Save for the outfit.
Max: Seriously, freakshow.
- What's with the cult leader getup?
- *ominous music*
Daniel: You must be Max.
- I've heard aaaaall about you.
- *Creepy head tilt noise*
David: Daniel, I am SO sorry about this TERRIBLE behavior.
Daniel: Oh don't you worry, co-counselor.
Daniel: They're just, "raggin' on the new guy".
Daniel: I thought this might happen, and so for my first day as camp counselor,
Daniel: I've prepared several exercises that are gonna help cleanse all of us
Daniel: of our negative emotions!
David: Well, that sounds WONDERFUL!
David: You kids are definitely in good hands.
David: I'll go finish up your employment paperwork.
David: In the meantime, try not to have too much fun without me!
David: Just kidding, have all the fun you want!
- *door slams*
Daniel: Sooo, children...
Daniel: Is there anybody here who has an interest in... SPACE?
Space Kid: OOH! OOH!! Oh, me! Me!!!
Daniel: Oh, really? Well, that's WONDERFUL!
Space Kid: Yeah... I know all sorts of stuff about space.
Daniel: Well, did you know that all negative emotions actually come FROM space?
Space Kid: Uh. Well, I.... No. I-I didn't.
Daniel: It's true!
Daniel: Our atmosphere is under constant bombardment from negative emotions tied to dark toxins!
- *ominous music starts*
Daniel: These toxins cling to the matter left over from the Big Bang,
Daniel: meaning that even if we're all pure of heart at birth,
Daniel: we're bathing in a negative-rich
- environment every SECOND!
Space Kid: Whooooaaa.
Neil: Oookay, I'mma stop you right there.
Neil: Are you suggesting that the massive explosion responsible for the creation of the universe
Neil: is also responsible for some sort
- of endless, radioactive evil?
Daniel: Oh, no. Not at all!
Daniel: The Big Bang didn't create the universe!
- It was just a side effect of the Millenia Wars, started by Zeemoog and the Galactic Confederacy!
- *violin shrieking*
Daniel: You must be Neil.
Daniel: David told me about you were quite the... inquisitive little fellow. *ominous music*
Neil: He-hey, buddy. let's try to recognize some.. personal space here.
Daniel: Why do you feel the need to question everything, Neil?
- *neck crack* What good has it led to?
Neil: Well. For one, I'm not walking around,
- talking about "Zeemoog".
Daniel: Buuut, are you happy with your life?
- Are you at peace?
- Or do you find yourself filled with anxiety and doubt?
- Doesn't the world seem awfully scary?
Nurf: It DOES!
Daniel: Well, what if I told you it didn't have to be?
Nurf: I don't really know what you're selling here, Daniel...
- ...But I am BUYING it!
Daniel: Then help me, help you.
- ..Help others!
Nurf: YEAHHH! I'M HELPING!
Daniel: Excellent! Now who else wants to help and reach ascension~?
Max: Oh my fuck, he's ACTUALLY-
Max: A CULTIST!
- YOU HIRED A FUCKING CULTIST, YOU IDIOT!
David: Whoa, whoa! What's wrong, kids?
- And why aren't you with Daniel?
Max: Oh. You mean the bat-shit crazy cult leader YOU just put in charge of the camp!?!
David: Again with these cult jokes, Max? Please.
Neil: He gave everyone a "de-toxification diet", then started spouting off Latin from a book with a pentagram!
David: He's bilingual, AND cares about nutrition?
Nikki: Hey, Daviiiid~?
David: Yes, Nikki?
Nikki: WAKE UP AND SMELL THE KOOL-AID! *smack*
Max: If you don't believe us, then come see for yourself.
- [Max kicks down the doors to the Mess Hall]
Daniel: Well! What a pleasant surprise!
- David, kids! Welcome!
- *in creepy unison* Welcome!
David: Wowzers Daniel! This all looks incredible!
- What's it for?
Daniel: Why, it's to celebrate, of course!
- Your campers have all been SO cooperative,
- and by the end of the day, I know everyone here will be
- cleansed of their hateful ways and ready to ascend to the next level!
Nikki: Heeey, where ARE the campers?
Daniel: Most are helping prepare for today's festivities,
- But a few of them are still hangin' around in the Purification Sauna!
David: You built a SAUNA?!
Max: THAT IS NOT THE WORD TO FOCUS ON, DAVID!
Daniel: Dolph, Nurf, why don't you show your friends to the sauna?
- So they'll quit worryin', and start hurryin'..
- ...their way to FUN!
- *spooky violins*
Dolph: So... who vants to go first?
Preston: PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP ME!
- HELP MEEEE...
Neil: I would just like to point out the fucked-up implications
- of specifically YOU putting specifically ME into a gas chamber.
Dolph: Ah! Zis is no gas chamber!
- Ve just use high-pressured steam,
- und subliminal messaging to deconstruct your psyche,
- und rebuild you in a form zat vill please ze Ancient Ones!
Preston: *monotone* And I love it.
Ered: Oh, hey guys.
- You dudes are just in time to help prep for the killer party...
Nerris: Daniel says that once we've all been cleansed,
- we shall consume this wonderful elixir, and ascend to our final form.
- [ Quartermaster takes a swig of the elixir ]
QM: Hmm. Was better in Jonestown.
Nerris: Isn't that right, Daniel?
Daniel: Right you are, Nerris!
Neil: MAX! DO SOMETHING!
Max: You maniac! You brainwashed the entire camp!
Daniel: "Brainwashed"? No, no, no!
- I just appealed to their emotions, and showed them the light!
- People don't wanna think, Max!
- They just wanna feel safe.
- And feelings beat facts, ANY day!
- [ Daniel tosses Nikki and Neil into the sauna chamber ]
Daniel: Now... Don't you wanna feel safe, too?
David: THERE YOU ARE!
- I was wondering where everyone had run off to!
Max: DAVID! Oh, thank god!
- You have to stop him! He's insane!
David: Max, I have had it up to HERE with your bad behavior today!
Max: But it's all right here! Right in front of you!
- Proof that Daniel's actually a religious cult leader that's gonna brainwash and kill every last one of us!
Nikki and Neil: We love you, Daniel...
David: Well, all I see are happy faces!
- Great work, Daniel!
Daniel: Aw, shucks. Thanks David!
- Aaaall right kids, let's start pouring that punch!
- And prepare for Ascension!
Max: ...Fine. If THINKING is too hard, I'll do it Daniel's way.
- David, you're right.
- I've been awfully mean today.
David: Aw, it's okay Max.
- I know making new friends can sometimes be a little scary.
Max: Well, it's just because... I was scared for YOU!
David: For me?
Max: I mean, it's just so OBVIOUS that Daniel's a better camp counselor than you.
David: What are you talking about?
Max: Just look at him! In one DAY, he's managed to get everyone and working together!
- Something you and Gwen could NEVER do.
- Everyone LOVES Daniel!
Kids: We love you, Daniel!
David: W-well, that's good!
Max: Well. Good for US, sure. But you?
- Once Cameron finds out that ONE camp counselor can do the job of TWO...
- he's DEFINITELY gonna let you and Gwen go.
Dream-Cameron: Boy, I sure am glad I fired the HECK out of those other two loser counselors!
- All I need is you, Daniel! And no one else.
Dream-Cameron: I SAID, no one else.
David: *worried noises*
- I can't imagine a life without Camp Campbell!
- But, surely Daniel can't be THAT threatening!
- I mean, it's not like EVERYONE loves him. Right, Max?
Max: I love you, Daniel!
David: But... that's not right. Max doesn't love ANYTHING!
Daniel: So, David. Care to join us for a drink?
- Daniel. I-I'm actually afraid that.. we need to let you go.
- I just don't think you're a good fit for Camp Campbell.
- *spooky violins*
- Oh. I see.
- Well, it is... unfortunate you feel that way, David.
- Yeah, I'm afraid it's just not-
Daniel: HOWEVER, as far as I'm aware, I've successfully met every requirement listed in my job description.
So, YOU don't actually have the legal right to terminate my employment. : )
- Unless, of course, you think there's an aspect of this job I've yet to uphold...?
- [David intensely stares at Daniel]
David: As a matter of fact, there IS.
- You may be a good camp counselor, Daniel...
- But what good is a camp counselor, without camp SONGS?
Daniel: *gasps* Why, David...
- I thought you'd NEVER ask!
- [ Start of "Better Than You" ]
- *guitar strum*
- I hope this won’t sound impolite
- Or come across as too forthright
- But even though you seem alright, I...
- Think I’m better than you!
- Now please do keep this thought in mind
- That’s just my personal conviction.
- You’re smart and fun, you’re sweet and kind-
- I’d call our friendship an addiction!
- Your shoes are shined, your breath dolce,
- But still I find I have to say, I…
- Think I might be better than you!
- *fiddle playing*
Daniel: You seem impressed with what you’ve shown,
- But I don’t find it that compelling.
- You’ve sung my praise but not your own
- And well, I think that’s pretty telling.
- But while we’re on the subject of
- How I’m superb and leagues above, you
- Ought to know I’m number one.
- I know that might be hard to swalloooww~ *spooky kiddo company*
- This hurts you just as much as me~
- But when this song is sung then you and I’ll know
- That you’re just a nobody!
- *fiddle and guitar*
- Well friend I don't know what to say-
- Try starting with your resignation.
- Let's end this in the fin-a-le
- I'm dying from anticipation!
David: You’re really great, but let me state
Daniel: You've been outdone
David: You denigrate and seem to hate
Daniel: Now I've really won
David: The fact I break to abdicate
Daniel: But it was fun
David: Before I can asphyxiate, I...
Daniel: Your end's begun, and...
David: Think I might be better than you!
Daniel: Now I know I'm better than you!
David: Don’t hate me because it’s true!
Daniel: And I'll prove it to you, too!
David: Just know, I'm...
Daniel: So watch as I identify
David: Better thaaaan...
Daniel: The skill to show I qualify
Daniel: Like keeping up this camp charade
- And tricking kids to drink Kool-Aid
- To sacrifice them-!
- Oh, wait...
- *ambulance sirens*
David: Poor guy. Must have been some bad fruit punch.
- You're a moron.
David: Well, kids, I guess that's the last we'll be seeing of Daniel.
- From now on, it's just you, me, and...
Gwen: DAVID. Fire that FUCKING weirdo,
- because I found us our newest camp counselor:
Jen: Im really into fashion and trashy magazines!
- [Magazine opens to reveal satanic markings and text drawn
- on top of magazine models]
- [Campers stare in horror as Space Kid smiles]
Space Kid: Howdy, Jen!
- [ Credits – "Cult of Personality" ]