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The transcript for "Camp Cool Kidz" may be edited here.
*Peaceful daytime music*
This is the kind of peasant work my parents left their home country to avoid.
Yeah, I don't get the point.
What good is rolling around on the floor if it's CLEAN?
This isn't even part of a sanctioned camp activity.
This is child labor!
Man, Erid never gets yelled at for not working.
She's just too cool.
I wish I was her.
Arid? Like a dry desert climate?
I think her real name is Meridith, but she's so frickin' cool, she goes by the middle part of her name.
Ooh, I wonder if I should try that...
That's fucking stupid, nicknames don't make you cool.
Pssh, spoken like a true first-part nicknamer.
No one's TOO cool to talk to.
Even cool kids take giant, uncomfortable shits from time to time.
Helps remind you that we're all equal.
Quartermaster: >Hey, you chillin'? Cut the yammerin' an' get back ta scrubbin'.<
If we were in charge, things would be so much better.
No scrubbing, no outdoors...
We should just REVOLT!
You know what? You're right!
Aren't you all sick of this lowly work?!
It's time we take control of our lives and fight back!
Who's with me?!
I'm just so excited!
Yeah, you keep saying that...
Well, because it's TRUE.
THE Cameron Campbell is coming tomorrow!
Oh, maybe he'll give us a raise!
Or, tell me I'm like the son he never had!
...Or explain why he's wanted by the Government.
Or that. Yeah, there's that.
I feel kinda bad making the campers work so hard just to impress that guy.
Once we tell them about the ice-cream pizza party,
I'm sure they'll see it was a~ll worth it!
We got ourselves an uprisin'!
There's a place I know that's tucked away,
A place where you and I can stay,
Where we can go to laugh and play,
And have adventures every day!
I know it sound hard to believe, but guys and gals, it's true!
Camp Cambell is the place for me and you!
We'll swim through lakes and climb up trees,
Catch fish, bugs, bears and honeybees,
There's endless possibilities,
AND NO, THAT'S NOT HYPERBOLE!
Our motto's "Campe Diem," and that means I'm telling Youuuuuuuuuuu.....
Archery, Hiking, Search-and-Rescue, Biking, Horseback-riding, Training that will save you from a heart-attack, Scuba-diving, Miming,
Football, Limbo, Science, Stunting, Pre-calc, Spaceships, Treasure Hunting, Bomb defusal, No refusal, Fantasy, Circus Trapeze, and Fights and Ghosts and Paints and Snakes and Knives and Chess and Dance and Weights!
It's Camp Camp!
Max! I am very disappointed in you for this behavior!
But I'm also torn, because you were very clearly paying attention during knot-tying class!
Max: >Shut up!<
We're in charge now, Davey!
The camp is ours!
This is just like "Le Mis'!" Ah, I love it!
Don't make this lame, Preston.
Max, let us down NOW.
Cameron Campbell is coming to the camp tomorrow and we need to get ready!
Oh, even better!
You'll definitely be fired once he sees the state the camp is in!
...Or WILL be in.
Come on, everyone!
Oh, Gwen, we have to stop them!
Yeah! I refuse to sit up here for the next 24 hours!
>And now the season premiere of "Teen-prison-mom-wars!"<
>"Mah babby gon' shank you, bitch!"<
*Gasp!* Ohmygosh! Trash TV!
Now that the revolution is complete, it's time to choose our new leader!
Max: Obviously, I will happily take the
Nikki: I vote Erid!
I vote Erid az vell!
She is strongk, und passionate, und so kool!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the hell up.
Did you nerds forget who revolutionized this place?!
I should be leading you!
Not "X-treme sports Barbie™" over here!
But Erid's charisma modifier is like, +10!
That's cool of you to say.
I WANNA BE COOL TOO, ERID!!!!
Sure thing, Nikki, everyone can be cool at Kamp Kool Kidz!
Ah, I love that name!
You're gonna get taken advantage of by the 1%!
Progressive buzzwords can't save you now.
But Erid doesn't have the spreadsheet software to manage-
That's 'cuz spreadsheets aren't cool.
*Sounds of being cool*
I vote Erid, too!
No you don't.
No I don't!
*Laughter and cheering*
What the hell's wrong with you, TRAITOR?!
I'm sorry! You said to talk to her, and uh, I panicked, so I just voted for her!
You'll regret this.
Erid: >Yo, Nikki.<
I got you a pair of cool sunglasses!
...Nah, I don't think so.
>"Get back 'ere wit' mah babby! I waz gonna trade it fer a pack o' smokes!"<
*Sounds of coolness and partying*
*Sounds of coolness and partying*
Everyone is so much happier now, thanks to you!
How're the plans for the giant half-pipe coming?
Should be ready to build as soon as we learn basic architecture.
What a cool idea, Erid.
I know. Think of all the sick 900's we could do off that thing.
Yeah! I totally know what that is!
Erid, it's cold and boring outside.
I cast an invisibility charm to conceal David and Gwen, can we come inside for a bit?
Oh, totally, magic dudes.
EVERYONE GETS A BREAK!
There comes a time when a group must fight back against tyranny.
Like the minutemen of the Revolution, we will fight for our independence!
Mommy calls Daddy that when they argue.
...I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this.
It's only been a few hours and we've already gone shirtless!
We're gonna hit Camp Cool Kidz with everything we've got!
What've you got?
...I was saving these to put in David's underpants...
I was saving th-
Max: >Shut up.<
Here's how it will work...
Space kid is the most expendable, so he'll be our decoy.
Yeah, I know what you mean, check out this tattoo.
I put it on by applying hot, then cold water.
Right? It'll be there for at least two days.
That's so cool Erid!
Nah, not really.
Haha, yeah, you're right! Tattoos are lame!
I did this.
Come after me!
Aw, man! Sooo uncool.
*Space kid screaming*
What are you kids doing?!
We're gonna kill Space Kid!
We got you now!
Let's saw him in half!
*Falling into trap noises*
Harrison: >Aah! I've been "Prestige"-d!
I mean... You fiend!
Max: >You're the fiend!<
What do YOU losers want?
You guys are here to rescue me?
NO. Shut up, David.
Pssh, I'd like to see you TRY and fight us.
BARK BARK BARK!
No fighting! Violence never solves anything!
STAB HER, BITCH!
Nikki, give it up, she doesn't care about you! She just uses people!
Don't listen to him, Nikki!
Don't worry Erid!
I know it's not true!
Uh... no, of course it's true, just don't listen to him!
I need you on MY side.
I'll save you, Nikki!
OH GOD! SOMEONE STOP-DROP-AND-ROLL ME!
Nerris: >You suck, Harrison!<
This is decidedly un-cool.
I AGREE! SOMEONE PUT ME OUT!
*Anklet tracker beeping*
Did somebody say....
Mr. Campbell?! You saved me!
...YES! I definitely saw you and was fully aware hitting you with my car would be the best course of action!
Please, excuse the condition of the camp, sir.
Things got a little out of hand, but we can fix it, I swear!
Hahaha, the old "Taking-over-the-camp-from-the-counselors-and tying-them-to-the-flagpole" routine!
*Sigh* ...I remember my first time.
Max: >Hey Cam!<
Can't you see this guy is a terrible counselor and he needs to be dealt with?
Oh, sorry kids, I've got other things to deal with.
Campbell's got a poker game to get to!
I'm not gonna give too many details, but let's just say if I win, I could end up being the Prime Minister of Thailand!
But our revolution!
This is serious!
We're leading a charge to make a difference!
We are the 99%!
I saw it on TV!
Oh, you kids and your dreams!
So full of hope and ignorace!
Someday, you'll learn that no matter how righteous you think you're cause is,
There's always someone bigger to keep you down!
...And that day is today, and that someone is me.
...Say what now?
Make it shine now, kids!
I had to cut costs on provisions, so you'll be using those toothbrushes later!
*Gwen is now in shock*
Whelp, I feel like that was futile.
I think we know this is all Neil's fault.
Yep, lesson learned. Never try to change anything, ever.
After the campers revolt and Ered is elected leader, the scene shifts to night-time and the outside of "Camp Cool Kidz" is shown. As Harrison and Nerris patrol outside, a pizza is visible on the roof, referencing a scene from the Breaking Bad episode "Caballo Sin Nombre".
Cameron Campbell's safe is shown to contain a chest full of treasure, two binders (one marked "For I.R.S." and the other marked "NOT For I.R.S."), a stack of cash, a package marked "1 Kilo", and a stack of gold bearing the emblem of the Nazi party.
According to the credits, the announcer of Teen Prison Mom Wars (the trashy TV show Gwen watches) is voiced by Tyler Coe, and the teen mom is voiced by Mariel Salcedo.