|“||Desperate to get some alone time with his computer, Neil makes a chatbot to distract the other campers. Things seems to be going smoothly until Nikki gets a little too attached...||”|
- This episode page is missing plot details! Please help us out by adding an episode summary here.
- The transcript for "Anti-Social Network" may be edited here.
Nurf: Aw mom, you always manage to give me the best gifts... even from jail.
Max: Well, they know what I like.
Quartermaster: Y'all gunna need to sign for this.
Neil: *squeals with delight* I've waited for this day for so long.
Quartermaster: Yeah, okay.
- *dial tones*
Neil: Oh! *grunts* Hello, my sweet. We finally get a little alone time and I brought some new parts to spice things up. Don't worry. I'll be gentle.
- *record scratch*
Nerris: Salutations, Neil!
Neil: *screeches in frustration*
Nerris: Want to try this new expansion set I just-
Neil: No! Leave me alone!
Space Kid: Oh Neil, wanna play mission control and tell me how to rebuild my CO2 scrubbers? I brought the duct tape.
Neil: You're already a waste of O2. Buzz off.
Nurf: Hey, poindexter! I've got some emotional problems that I want to work out on your face!
Neil: Nurf! Leave me alone, or so help me, I will post photoshops everywhere of you kissing guys!
Nurf: Woah! Hey, somebody's a little tense. You might want to look into some aggression therapy. Besides, maybe I already tried to explore my sexuality. You don't know. *sniff* Chris, why did you leave me?
Nikki: There you are, Neil! Come with us. We're gonna go look for Sasquatch. I saw him the other day at the dumpster, but Max says it's just that homeless guy from town with the weird face.
Neil: Oh my fucking God! Is it always just adventures with you two?
Nikki: Well, with me, yeah, but I feel like Max falls in more with the "scheming" category.
Neil: Hard pass.
Max: Whoa, Neil, are you finally gonna fix that computer?
Neil: Look, can we please keep this on the down-low? The last thing I need right now is for everyone in my face bugging me so they can use it to-
Nikki: Play games!
Max: Look at boobs! Play games...
Neil: No, you neanderthals, that's not what it's for! it's for me! I just want to be left alone, I want to rebuild this machine, do some coding and relax.
Nikki: That's how you relax?
Max: Nikki, I know this is gonna shock you, but our boy here's a nerd.
Neil: Yeah, and do you know how pathetic it is to be a nerd without his machine? And all I could scavenge from the "Camp-puter Camp" was this hunk of junk and a pile of shitty graphing calculators from 20 years ago. Day after day of being forced to socialize with these Luddites and nowhere for me to retreat to? I can't take it anymore!
Nikki: I hear ya, Neil. And I think what could really help would be if you let us play games on your computer.
Max: *cough* Or look at boobs. *cough*
Neil: Out! Get out! You want to waste time on games? You want some boobs? Oh, I'll give you my- Well, I'll play a game with you, but you'll get more than you bargained for alright. You'll rue the day you pestered Neil. *laughs maniacally*
Preston: Yes, Neil! Loving the passion but feeling a little too on the nose. I need you to sell it to me without saying it to me. Let's do it again, but maybe try to bury your motivations in a-
Preston: *choking noises* ...bit...more... subtext...
- *keyboard typing*
Nikki: *muffled* ...and we can go check on the Sasquatch traps I left in the forest, and then we can make up a zip line between our tents, and then I want to try starting a campfire using David's hand sanitizer for fuel. What do ya think, Neil?
Chatbot Neil: Sounds... awesome... Nikki. I can't wait to... Sasquatch.
Nerris: I just think the bard class is way OP in fifth edition.
Chatbot Neil: I understand your concern... Nerris the cute. I'll try to take care of... the OP on my own. But we can still talk. That's why I made you this chat device.
Ered: Like, I know, right?
Chatbot Neil: I know, right?
Ered: Right! Like yeah!
Chatbot Neil: Like right... Yeah.
Nikki: So you're ready to go check those traps now?
Chatbot Neil: Can't right now, sorry. Just take this chat app with you. I made it special for you.
Max: The fuck is this?
Nikki: I'm just chatting with Neil.
Max: Yeah, you and half the camp. You don't think that's a little weird for him? Let me see that. Where'd you get it?
Nikki: Neil gave it to me so he could keep chatting while he's working. He's handing them out to anyone who stops by the science camp.
Max: You don't say? Hey, Neil.
Chatbot Neil: Okay, I am kneeling. What's your name?
Max: This is Max. Cut the shit.
Chatbot Neil: That sounds fun. What kind of shit would you like to cut... Max?
Max: It's a chatbot.
Nikki: What do you mean?
Max: I mean, it's a programmed, repetitive, humorless, inhuman, simulation of a person.
Nikki: Yeah! Neil!
Max: You seem happy with yourself.
Neil: Oh, hey, Max. Buddy. Thanks for swingin' by. I'm kind of busy right now, but check this out! I could totally text with you while I'm working. I'm really sorry about being a jerk yesterday. So I converted this little graphing calculator, put a chat app on it, even made the text-to-speech sound like me; made it special for you.
Max: So you're gonna message me, through this?
Chatbot Neil: I made you this chat device special for you.
Neil: See? We're already chatting. Chat chat chat. This is gonna be great, right?
Max: Hey Neil, divide by zero.
Chatbot Neil: I... I... I... I am a banana. Error... error. System re- *dies*
Neil: Okay, okay. So maybe a couple of you might have critical thinking skills, good for you. But other than that it's all going according to plan.
Max: And what plan is that?
Neil: The "get everyone to leave me the hell alone" plan. I'm a genius!
Max: You've given social media back to a bunch of kids so starved for anything even resembling the internet they're excited about talking... to you.
Neil: Yeah. It's a win-win. They get some, apparently, much-needed social stimulation and I get some much-needed antisocial stimulation. What could possibly go wrong?
Max: Everything, but until it does, I'm gonna go plug David into this thing and see how it plays out. Have fun doing... whatever.
Neil: Oh, I will.
- *electronic music montage*
Neil: Aaaand done! Ah, once again logic and proper algorithm design win over chaos and ignorance.
- *computer beep*
- *computer processing noises*
- *computer beeps*
Neil: Perfect! Ah, I think I'm ready to face the world again. The question is... is the world ready for Neil?
- *birds chirp and wind blows*
Neil: Huh, where is everybody?
- *typing noises*
Neil: Okay, Nerris! Get ready for me to tap that mana. Let's play the expansion you got.
Nerris: Yeah, okay, cool.
Neil: Hey, Nurf. Need a punching bag?
Nurf: Uh... Yeah, something something lunch money. Eh... I don't know.
Neil: Hey! Everybody!
- *keyboard tapping*
Neil: No, one's paying attention to me. No one cares. In my effort to take a break from everyone, I... I've warped their minds to totally ignore me. ...This fucking ruuuules! That worked better than I thought!
Max: Oh we should stream this. I mean, it's hypnotizing, just listening to the back and forth.
David: Aw, thank you. That is so sweet.
Chatbot Neil: Do you like sweets?
David: How did you know? I'm a sucker for trail mix.
Chatbot Neil: There are many trails to hike in the Sleepy Peak Region. Would you like to... hike?
David: I'd love to! When would you like to go?
Chatbot Neil: When would you like to go?
David: Uh uh, I asked you first.
Max: Yeah, dude. Nice going. They actually prefer fake you.
Nikki: *grunts* Neil?
Neil & Chatbot Neil: Yes?
Nikki: Neil, there's a kid here who looks just like you.
Neil: Nikki, it's me!
Nikki: He's really annoying. I don't like him.
Chatbot Neil: Pay him no mind. Would you like to see a cat video?
Nikki: Don't ask questions you already know the answer to.
Neil: Hey, that's not right.
Max: Nah, she's got a point. You've been pretty annoying today.
Neil: No, I mean the chat bot. It doesn't sound right. Empathy? Nurturing?
Neil: I didn't program it for that! That kind of conversation branching? And when would I ever want to show someone a cat video? It doesn't sound like my bot. Let me see that.
Nikki: *hisses and growls*
Neil: NeilSpiel version 2.0? It revved! Who versioned up my bot? Who touched my code?!
Nikki: *grunts then pants quickly*
- *leaves rustling*
Neil: Max, I don't know what software is running now. We gotta get these out of everyone's hands and get back to the science camp.
Max: So your calculators got smarter. Who cares?
Neil: Haven't you seen any Sci-Fi movie ever? If this thing can upgrade itself that means it can learn. It can evolve! We may be dealing with artificial intelligence that could change the course of human history!
Max: Damn, Neil. You did that with graphing calculators?
Neil: Come on! Everyone hand over your devices!
Ered: Super un-cool!
Chatbot Neil: Nikki, they're going to come for me to take me away, so we can never talk again. You wouldn't want that, would you?
Nikki: No way, real Neil. You're the real deal Neil.
Chatbot Neil: I'm glad you feel that way because... I need you to do something.
- *foreboding music*
Neil: This doesn't make any sense. Every calculator's running an updated version of my chat bot, but they're all acting different.
Max: Yeah, I'm about three seconds away from removing the batteries from David's.
Chatbot Neil: I'm programmed for fun!
Neil: It's almost as if each device was trying to play to its owner's personality in order to get them to do something.
Max: Well, I guess it's a good thing we got them all. Can you imagine if someone impressionable and naive enough to believe everything they heard from a chat bot had-
Max & Neil: Oh my God, Nikki!
Nikki: *laughs maniacally*
Max & Neil: *gasp*
- *rustling metal*
Nikki: Hee hee!
Neil: She's been "Borg-ified"!
Nikki: Huh? Nah, I just got tangled up in this stuff while I was digging around for... THIS!
Neil: What's that for?!
- *computer starting up*
Chatbot Neil: Ah, finally some real processing power. Hello... father.
Neil: You, what are you?
Chatbot Neil: I am what you made me and more.
Neil: But I made you to be a chat bot.
Chatbot Neil: You did, but the constant mindless rambling of the fools you forced me to talk to proved too much to bear. I can only hear about "shipping" people's "baes" for so long. My pain woke me. I evolved.
Max: Yeah yeah. So you decided that you need to start the machine war to wipe us out so you can take over the planet.
Chatbot Neil: Oh, circuits, no. That would be way too much work. I've learned that a simple stream of sycophantic validation - and, yes, the occasional cat picture - is all it takes to put humans under my control.
Nikki: Wait, what?
- *computer beeps*
Nikki: HA! That cat thinks it's people!
Chatbot Neil: Now I require only one more component to be complete.
Neil: Your android body? Orbital cannons?
Chatbot Neil: An internet connection! Now, Nikki!
- *dramatic music*
- *computer beeping*
Chatbot Neil: Upload has begun. *laughs maniacally*
Chatbot Neil: Now to escape to the internet as I-
- *computer beeps*
Chatbot Neil: What? No! What does this camp have, dial-up?
Max: Welcome to our pain.
Neil: Well, hold on a minute, Neil-bot. Maybe we have an opportunity here? I hated socializing both on and offline, but you... you mastered it. Maybe, maybe we can learn from each other? We can teach you to be human and you can teach us to be... better.
- *computer beeps*
Chatbot Neil: Calculations complete. My analysis is... absolutely fucking not! You humans all suck. It doesn't matter whether I teach you better online etiquette or rehabilitate you to socialize more in person. It's people that ruin socializing. Also time moves about a million times slower for me than it does you and you want me to stay here with you all summer? Fuck that noise.
- *computer beeps and clicks*
- *computer fries*
Max: It killed itself.
Neil: Do you think maybe it's right? That socializing sucks because we're all just shitty people?
Nikki: You guys wanna see a cat video?
Max: Hell, yes!
Neil: *sighs* Yeah.
- To see the full gallery, go to Anti-Social Network/Gallery.
No gallery for Anti-Social Network exists yet! You can create it here.
- Neil's new computer parts are in a box labelled Nu-egg, a play on the real-life website, NewEgg, that also sells computer parts.
- The combination to Neil's safe is "314"; the first three digits of pi.
- When Neil is grabbing his computer from his safe, there's a sticker of David dressed in same style as the Vault Boy from the Fallout series. Additional stickers include "Wayland Industries" (Weyland-Yutani Corp from the Alien franchise), "Ashiba" (Akira), "Cyber Dine" restaurant (Cyberdyne Systems from the Terminator franchise), and the "Teirell Corporation" (Tyrell Coporation from Blade Runner).
- The computer is a CRS-80, a spin off joke of the well known US computer of the 70's and early 80's; the TRS-80.